What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was 9 years of age.

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She wouldn,t have been !

Why, after a divorce, would one still want to ruin the other one’s life?

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

On the 31st of Jan this month .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

So whats the point in blame.

How do I make an instrumental version of a Hindi song?

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I could never make a relationship work though!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Non adipisci autem repellat fugiat.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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This is soul school!.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He resisted the act ,that day.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My family never makes their pension either.

I don,t even have a pension.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I was seconnd youngest,

This is how, and why children get BPD.

My life is so biszare .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I waited trembling.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Comes on , in middle age.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I will be 64.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

She was in good health!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I have no regrets .

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

She married twice! .

(And it was in our own minds.)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

When she asked me how she looked .

As i do to all so called friends.?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Ive learnt so much.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I was very sick at this time too.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I was scared of men, in general

Especially a lifetime of it.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

We were not on the streets..

What did i know ?

I write beautiful poetry .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I think the readers, may guess!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Who then, do I blame.?

She found it foreign!.

Was to survive, this bastard.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But ive been too sick for many years..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I said to her

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

One cannot live in the past .

Would this be the day?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But it wasn’t much.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

But, we were locked up after school.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im still living with it.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Why did i forgive my father ?

We all went to grammer schools

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

She loved him until the end.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

So, i spoilt her more .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He knew the spot.

Put me off passion for life!!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

It was going to be , some day.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

And i lived it daily.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

All the time i was locked up.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.